May 2, 2026
I feel like I've been on a downwards and upwards spiral since Jan 2025, since then I have managed to actually make a living to myself and help my family, achieve tons and tons of personal goals and actually meet some good people…So tell me, why do I feel so bad?
Sometimes I feel like I'm a bad person, a lot of times I know. I haven't hurt anyone to get where I'm at but my day to day actions just become a pattern of pushing people away, and now that I'm at the very bottom (and very top at the same time) it just feels like I have nobody. I can reach out to someone and probably get the attention but I know I wouldn't react positively myself, so I just wait, and wait, and wait, and then when someone messages, who actually cares, I ignore them.
Last week I got into a medical situation I can't just give up on, pretty much dooming me to suffer for a couple of months – at the very moment my mental health is the lowest it's ever been by far. It's been 7 days and I already regret it and already managed to push some of the people who have helped me the most away, I honestly only have my mother beside me now, who I'm surprised hasn't given up as well.
I cried and consumed a lot these last 7 days. so much I actually have like no memory of them, and deciding to not take written notes of them, these days actually feel like they did not exist at all, which makes me fear that these following months are all going to be like this, a clutter of shitty relationships going to bad from worse, of consuming insta reels and youtube all day, barely working on myself and my work…Who will I be by the end of this? A mere blank slate?
I recently broke up with someone I got very attached with, was very confused about and who disappointed me a lot. It was a messy relationship, but one where when things were good, it was the best thing I had ever experience, and ended up transforming me into someone so hurt, I have no idea how to stop thinking about it, if I made the right choice, if I can find someone better, there's so much going on in my mind right now that it's just fucked up to think – so I don't. I close off my mind and just go numb all day watching videos, losing my ambition, my focus, my ability to think even.
Partly the reason I'm starting this is to actually start thinking again for once, with AI, things have become so convenient and so easy to do that my mind is actually deteriorating, I can't write to colleagues, I can't put together a presentation, I can't do shit without AI, it's becoming a real problem that will just get worse and worse as things progress, yet, I don't want the bubble to burst, because I'm comfortable, the convenience makes me hate it so much but also be enslaved to it, for without it I am behind my competition.
Whatever happens though, I'm painfully aware of how worse things could be, I got to do a lot of the things I wanted to do before this medical thing and my life has improved 10x in the last year, so there's growth, just a couple of things to fix, I'm hopeful of a better future.
:)
May 2, 2026
I feel like I've been on a downwards and upwards spiral since Jan 2025, since then I have managed to actually make a living to myself and help my family, achieve tons and tons of personal goals and actually meet some good people…So tell me, why do I feel so bad?
Sometimes I feel like I'm a bad person, a lot of times I know. I haven't hurt anyone to get where I'm at but my day to day actions just become a pattern of pushing people away, and now that I'm at the very bottom (and very top at the same time) it just feels like I have nobody. I can reach out to someone and probably get the attention but I know I wouldn't react positively myself, so I just wait, and wait, and wait, and then when someone messages, who actually cares, I ignore them.
Last week I got into a medical situation I can't just give up on, pretty much dooming me to suffer for a couple of months – at the very moment my mental health is the lowest it's ever been by far. It's been 7 days and I already regret it and already managed to push some of the people who have helped me the most away, I honestly only have my mother beside me now, who I'm surprised hasn't given up as well.
I cried and consumed a lot these last 7 days. so much I actually have like no memory of them, and deciding to not take written notes of them, these days actually feel like they did not exist at all, which makes me fear that these following months are all going to be like this, a clutter of shitty relationships going to bad from worse, of consuming insta reels and youtube all day, barely working on myself and my work…Who will I be by the end of this? A mere blank slate?
I recently broke up with someone I got very attached with, was very confused about and who disappointed me a lot. It was a messy relationship, but one where when things were good, it was the best thing I had ever experience, and ended up transforming me into someone so hurt, I have no idea how to stop thinking about it, if I made the right choice, if I can find someone better, there's so much going on in my mind right now that it's just fucked up to think – so I don't. I close off my mind and just go numb all day watching videos, losing my ambition, my focus, my ability to think even.
Partly the reason I'm starting this is to actually start thinking again for once, with AI, things have become so convenient and so easy to do that my mind is actually deteriorating, I can't write to colleagues, I can't put together a presentation, I can't do shit without AI, it's becoming a real problem that will just get worse and worse as things progress, yet, I don't want the bubble to burst, because I'm comfortable, the convenience makes me hate it so much but also be enslaved to it, for without it I am behind my competition.
Whatever happens though, I'm painfully aware of how worse things could be, I got to do a lot of the things I wanted to do before this medical thing and my life has improved 10x in the last year, so there's growth, just a couple of things to fix, I'm hopeful of a better future.
:)
May 2, 2026
I feel like I've been on a downwards and upwards spiral since Jan 2025, since then I have managed to actually make a living to myself and help my family, achieve tons and tons of personal goals and actually meet some good people…So tell me, why do I feel so bad?
Sometimes I feel like I'm a bad person, a lot of times I know. I haven't hurt anyone to get where I'm at but my day to day actions just become a pattern of pushing people away, and now that I'm at the very bottom (and very top at the same time) it just feels like I have nobody. I can reach out to someone and probably get the attention but I know I wouldn't react positively myself, so I just wait, and wait, and wait, and then when someone messages, who actually cares, I ignore them.
Last week I got into a medical situation I can't just give up on, pretty much dooming me to suffer for a couple of months – at the very moment my mental health is the lowest it's ever been by far. It's been 7 days and I already regret it and already managed to push some of the people who have helped me the most away, I honestly only have my mother beside me now, who I'm surprised hasn't given up as well.
I cried and consumed a lot these last 7 days. so much I actually have like no memory of them, and deciding to not take written notes of them, these days actually feel like they did not exist at all, which makes me fear that these following months are all going to be like this, a clutter of shitty relationships going to bad from worse, of consuming insta reels and youtube all day, barely working on myself and my work…Who will I be by the end of this? A mere blank slate?
I recently broke up with someone I got very attached with, was very confused about and who disappointed me a lot. It was a messy relationship, but one where when things were good, it was the best thing I had ever experience, and ended up transforming me into someone so hurt, I have no idea how to stop thinking about it, if I made the right choice, if I can find someone better, there's so much going on in my mind right now that it's just fucked up to think – so I don't. I close off my mind and just go numb all day watching videos, losing my ambition, my focus, my ability to think even.
Partly the reason I'm starting this is to actually start thinking again for once, with AI, things have become so convenient and so easy to do that my mind is actually deteriorating, I can't write to colleagues, I can't put together a presentation, I can't do shit without AI, it's becoming a real problem that will just get worse and worse as things progress, yet, I don't want the bubble to burst, because I'm comfortable, the convenience makes me hate it so much but also be enslaved to it, for without it I am behind my competition.
Whatever happens though, I'm painfully aware of how worse things could be, I got to do a lot of the things I wanted to do before this medical thing and my life has improved 10x in the last year, so there's growth, just a couple of things to fix, I'm hopeful of a better future.
:)