May 3, 2026
I've stayed in "motion”my entire life, either through progress, through trauma or merely through time, change has always been a constant desire of mine, which gave me a lot of ambition and lost me a lot of opportunities, but it always happened.
The city I was raised in never felt right, I always lived in my own head or in the front of a computer screen, rarely thinking about living or making a living in it, which actually allowed me to start working on something of a remote-first nature, but also made me very disconnected from reality, I think this is a big motivator for me, I've travelled a lot with family and by myself and always noticed how much better I act the farther and the lonelier I was, I don't know why that happens, it's not like I don't want to be seen by others, the opposite actually, just feels like I can't act when a certain group of people are around me.
I dream of a day where things are just right, a time where I can have a healthy routine, healthy stress, happy family, goals achieved, all that good stuff.
My uncle and his side of the family is someone who transpires that, someone who even though doesn't have everything figured out, has a way to make things feel light, every time I went to visit him I was surprised by how pleasant life became all of a sudden, it's a weird feeling, I could feel the breeze, think clearly, understand myself a tiny bit better all of a sudden. Everything felt connected. Real.
I think part of that had to be related with them having some more interest in what I liked, having people pay attention to what you're saying really makes you feel special, have them admire your thoughts even at a young age was something I appreciated deeply, and even today, I know I can reach out to them to talk..yet I don't, now I just don't wanna talk to anyone, I ignore their and everyone's messages.
For a while now, my life has been taken over by work and worrying about other stuff, it started with me preparing for a lot of things that were happening in a single month and then just transformed into a never ending snowball that made me stop leaving the house, picking up on my hobbies, talking and reaching out to new people, now it's all just problem solving, meetings, processes, AI, overthinking, scrolling, looking for references, doing these things over and over again for months, with no end in sight at this point, I used to be able to do a thousand things every day, now bringing myself to do 3 has become a challenge, and it's getting worse…
The worst part? All of this happened right in front of my eyes. Fully aware of this slow fade away, I let it happen, out of laziness, out of having "no other option” or "more important things to do”, every day that passed was deliberate, I'm at a direct result of my own conscious decisions, in the end there's nothing to blame.
Trying to come back to them feels foreign now, reading? fucked up attention span. Exercising? Can't walk well. Playing Guitar? Forgot the fun songs. It's like everything that happened the last couple months were lived in effort to become exactly like this, because it worked really fucking well. It's crazy.
I hope that one moment, after these months, things can start to come back to normal, I know I have a lot to live, I know the drive I can have, the love I can give, I hope these obstacles don't take that away from me, I want to see the world…
:)
May 3, 2026
I've stayed in "motion”my entire life, either through progress, through trauma or merely through time, change has always been a constant desire of mine, which gave me a lot of ambition and lost me a lot of opportunities, but it always happened.
The city I was raised in never felt right, I always lived in my own head or in the front of a computer screen, rarely thinking about living or making a living in it, which actually allowed me to start working on something of a remote-first nature, but also made me very disconnected from reality, I think this is a big motivator for me, I've travelled a lot with family and by myself and always noticed how much better I act the farther and the lonelier I was, I don't know why that happens, it's not like I don't want to be seen by others, the opposite actually, just feels like I can't act when a certain group of people are around me.
I dream of a day where things are just right, a time where I can have a healthy routine, healthy stress, happy family, goals achieved, all that good stuff.
My uncle and his side of the family is someone who transpires that, someone who even though doesn't have everything figured out, has a way to make things feel light, every time I went to visit him I was surprised by how pleasant life became all of a sudden, it's a weird feeling, I could feel the breeze, think clearly, understand myself a tiny bit better all of a sudden. Everything felt connected. Real.
I think part of that had to be related with them having some more interest in what I liked, having people pay attention to what you're saying really makes you feel special, have them admire your thoughts even at a young age was something I appreciated deeply, and even today, I know I can reach out to them to talk..yet I don't, now I just don't wanna talk to anyone, I ignore their and everyone's messages.
For a while now, my life has been taken over by work and worrying about other stuff, it started with me preparing for a lot of things that were happening in a single month and then just transformed into a never ending snowball that made me stop leaving the house, picking up on my hobbies, talking and reaching out to new people, now it's all just problem solving, meetings, processes, AI, overthinking, scrolling, looking for references, doing these things over and over again for months, with no end in sight at this point, I used to be able to do a thousand things every day, now bringing myself to do 3 has become a challenge, and it's getting worse…
The worst part? All of this happened right in front of my eyes. Fully aware of this slow fade away, I let it happen, out of laziness, out of having "no other option” or "more important things to do”, every day that passed was deliberate, I'm at a direct result of my own conscious decisions, in the end there's nothing to blame.
Trying to come back to them feels foreign now, reading? fucked up attention span. Exercising? Can't walk well. Playing Guitar? Forgot the fun songs. It's like everything that happened the last couple months were lived in effort to become exactly like this, because it worked really fucking well. It's crazy.
I hope that one moment, after these months, things can start to come back to normal, I know I have a lot to live, I know the drive I can have, the love I can give, I hope these obstacles don't take that away from me, I want to see the world…
:)
May 3, 2026
I've stayed in "motion”my entire life, either through progress, through trauma or merely through time, change has always been a constant desire of mine, which gave me a lot of ambition and lost me a lot of opportunities, but it always happened.
The city I was raised in never felt right, I always lived in my own head or in the front of a computer screen, rarely thinking about living or making a living in it, which actually allowed me to start working on something of a remote-first nature, but also made me very disconnected from reality, I think this is a big motivator for me, I've travelled a lot with family and by myself and always noticed how much better I act the farther and the lonelier I was, I don't know why that happens, it's not like I don't want to be seen by others, the opposite actually, just feels like I can't act when a certain group of people are around me.
I dream of a day where things are just right, a time where I can have a healthy routine, healthy stress, happy family, goals achieved, all that good stuff.
My uncle and his side of the family is someone who transpires that, someone who even though doesn't have everything figured out, has a way to make things feel light, every time I went to visit him I was surprised by how pleasant life became all of a sudden, it's a weird feeling, I could feel the breeze, think clearly, understand myself a tiny bit better all of a sudden. Everything felt connected. Real.
I think part of that had to be related with them having some more interest in what I liked, having people pay attention to what you're saying really makes you feel special, have them admire your thoughts even at a young age was something I appreciated deeply, and even today, I know I can reach out to them to talk..yet I don't, now I just don't wanna talk to anyone, I ignore their and everyone's messages.
For a while now, my life has been taken over by work and worrying about other stuff, it started with me preparing for a lot of things that were happening in a single month and then just transformed into a never ending snowball that made me stop leaving the house, picking up on my hobbies, talking and reaching out to new people, now it's all just problem solving, meetings, processes, AI, overthinking, scrolling, looking for references, doing these things over and over again for months, with no end in sight at this point, I used to be able to do a thousand things every day, now bringing myself to do 3 has become a challenge, and it's getting worse…
The worst part? All of this happened right in front of my eyes. Fully aware of this slow fade away, I let it happen, out of laziness, out of having "no other option” or "more important things to do”, every day that passed was deliberate, I'm at a direct result of my own conscious decisions, in the end there's nothing to blame.
Trying to come back to them feels foreign now, reading? fucked up attention span. Exercising? Can't walk well. Playing Guitar? Forgot the fun songs. It's like everything that happened the last couple months were lived in effort to become exactly like this, because it worked really fucking well. It's crazy.
I hope that one moment, after these months, things can start to come back to normal, I know I have a lot to live, I know the drive I can have, the love I can give, I hope these obstacles don't take that away from me, I want to see the world…
:)