May 6, 2026
I'm a person who takes a lot of risks, usually not weighing the possibility of failure, which has gotten me pretty far, but also put me in a spot where failures are absolutely crushing.
I live a life of conditional regret, meaning I fully regret my failures until an improvement happens, like if I quit my job, I will regret it until I find something better, if I break up with someone, I will regret it until someone else comes, and so on. This pattern is recognizable and consistent, yet I can't let go of some things, my ego has grown huge and I can't seem to let go of things, only replace them.
It's almost comical sometimes the sheer contrast that can go into these situations, where handling a work related problem is the easiest breeze in the world, but letting go of one of these conditional regrets is absolutely miserable, almost like I'm picking to stay like this, and if I start being honest with myself, I am.
In this process I've found myself wishing quite some negativity on some people, who either compete with me or were once close and have "wronged” me in some way, my mind fills with bad thoughts and just spreads it to everything I touch, even those who don't deserve it.
My character has been quite in downhill lately, the more I "progress” in life, the more justified I find a lot of my actions or ideas, I try to stop myself every time the usual sense of superiority arises but sometimes can't stop myself from even fantasizing about it, and considering my entire life was spent with people looking down on me, I have a pretty good idea of where it comes from, but how to stop?
How to stop? I've never really figured out how to actually answer that question, reading books about habits and all that has given me an initial knowledge, yet, all of my life I've conditioned myself to replace, not to let go.
I don't know. that's the truth
In the middle of writing this I had a medical situation which triggered an anxiety crisis.
Genuinely, I hope to one day be forgiven of the bad things I've done. I live a life full of regret and frustrations, truth is, it's just a matter of time at this point. I'm not strong enough,
I'm afraid. I may not be able to truly live again. And in the process affect everyone's lives.
I hate myself
:)
May 6, 2026
I'm a person who takes a lot of risks, usually not weighing the possibility of failure, which has gotten me pretty far, but also put me in a spot where failures are absolutely crushing.
I live a life of conditional regret, meaning I fully regret my failures until an improvement happens, like if I quit my job, I will regret it until I find something better, if I break up with someone, I will regret it until someone else comes, and so on. This pattern is recognizable and consistent, yet I can't let go of some things, my ego has grown huge and I can't seem to let go of things, only replace them.
It's almost comical sometimes the sheer contrast that can go into these situations, where handling a work related problem is the easiest breeze in the world, but letting go of one of these conditional regrets is absolutely miserable, almost like I'm picking to stay like this, and if I start being honest with myself, I am.
In this process I've found myself wishing quite some negativity on some people, who either compete with me or were once close and have "wronged” me in some way, my mind fills with bad thoughts and just spreads it to everything I touch, even those who don't deserve it.
My character has been quite in downhill lately, the more I "progress” in life, the more justified I find a lot of my actions or ideas, I try to stop myself every time the usual sense of superiority arises but sometimes can't stop myself from even fantasizing about it, and considering my entire life was spent with people looking down on me, I have a pretty good idea of where it comes from, but how to stop?
How to stop? I've never really figured out how to actually answer that question, reading books about habits and all that has given me an initial knowledge, yet, all of my life I've conditioned myself to replace, not to let go.
I don't know. that's the truth
In the middle of writing this I had a medical situation which triggered an anxiety crisis.
Genuinely, I hope to one day be forgiven of the bad things I've done. I live a life full of regret and frustrations, truth is, it's just a matter of time at this point. I'm not strong enough,
I'm afraid. I may not be able to truly live again. And in the process affect everyone's lives.
I hate myself
:)
May 6, 2026
I'm a person who takes a lot of risks, usually not weighing the possibility of failure, which has gotten me pretty far, but also put me in a spot where failures are absolutely crushing.
I live a life of conditional regret, meaning I fully regret my failures until an improvement happens, like if I quit my job, I will regret it until I find something better, if I break up with someone, I will regret it until someone else comes, and so on. This pattern is recognizable and consistent, yet I can't let go of some things, my ego has grown huge and I can't seem to let go of things, only replace them.
It's almost comical sometimes the sheer contrast that can go into these situations, where handling a work related problem is the easiest breeze in the world, but letting go of one of these conditional regrets is absolutely miserable, almost like I'm picking to stay like this, and if I start being honest with myself, I am.
In this process I've found myself wishing quite some negativity on some people, who either compete with me or were once close and have "wronged” me in some way, my mind fills with bad thoughts and just spreads it to everything I touch, even those who don't deserve it.
My character has been quite in downhill lately, the more I "progress” in life, the more justified I find a lot of my actions or ideas, I try to stop myself every time the usual sense of superiority arises but sometimes can't stop myself from even fantasizing about it, and considering my entire life was spent with people looking down on me, I have a pretty good idea of where it comes from, but how to stop?
How to stop? I've never really figured out how to actually answer that question, reading books about habits and all that has given me an initial knowledge, yet, all of my life I've conditioned myself to replace, not to let go.
I don't know. that's the truth
In the middle of writing this I had a medical situation which triggered an anxiety crisis.
Genuinely, I hope to one day be forgiven of the bad things I've done. I live a life full of regret and frustrations, truth is, it's just a matter of time at this point. I'm not strong enough,
I'm afraid. I may not be able to truly live again. And in the process affect everyone's lives.
I hate myself
:)